My brother drank. we had told him not to. I knew hadn't listened because he didn't want to. But somehow I was still hoping he wouldn't. But now I realize , I don't need to worry as much because I am the person running my own life not A. A , and K aren't running my life.

I just let them , because it is so hard not to pay attention to their drama.

But this is my stage now , and I am going to rock it.

Back to the story. My Dad told my brother not to drink while we were in the car. I knew A wasn't listening , but I supposed he might not drink anyway. A is an alcoholic. In and out of the hospital so many times this past year. Hundreds of dollars wasted on booze.

A is mentally handicapped , technically he has a low autism spectrum disorder ( which is a very vague diagnosis) and speech disabilities. But is still very smart in some ways , smarter than me the college graduate.   He can read maps , books , program computers, take them apart and put them back together again.

He is fascinated by his German and Scottish heritage. Always asking questions about it.

But he can't see past alcohol. I am not even sure he can see how much he is hurting us. It always seems like he has forgotten. I certainly can't forget. The many times he brought home enough liquor to feed a thousand and drinks it all in three weeks.

My father D, is a diabetic . He has to take insulin daily to live. A took his needles for injection. A thinks he needs extra vitamins and protein to live. Even though we have tried to tell him he is just fine. We have been able to stop him from using D's needles. Or so I think. D said he would hide them from A. But how sure I am really , that A hasn't found them anyway?

K would open his shirt ( she is the most bold out of all of us) and find red swollen marks on his chest. One time a medical team saw it , and took him to the hospital because they were dangerously infected.

I gave A the money to buy tickets for an event. I forget that he would probably buy alcohol with it. He came back with a beer and I flipped. My heart was dipped in acid and sawed in half then set on fire. Nothing could be more painful. A well always be the person to unintentionally hurt us. A might never understand how he kills us with his actions. A well always be the villain with out even knowing it.

And A hurt me , A killed the last hopeful part of me. I no longer have hope for him , I care but I simply won't do anything more for him. The price has become too high for me.

My other sister H, has been going through some mental trauma lately and needs to be watched. H and me moved from the buffet room to the dance hall and found another horror.

A had more drinks. I tried to sit at another table so I would not have to feel my heart slice in two again. But some other people noticed us sitting at this table. I told them it wasn't mine , because I was so horrified of A I couldn't think.

In shock , I sat with H at A's table. I didn't want to be there. Didn't need to be there , except that is where H wanted to be and I had to protect her. I sat and turned my eyes from the monster that was A and turned to the play.

I almost cried. Grief overcame my face and all I could see was the most dark blue. The double sided sword had pierced me once again and left me dying on the dance floor.

I felt all the pain I had been hiding , it came as a tsunami comes. You can't be prepared for that. You only assume crash positions and wait to die.

The pain overcame every cell and dark corner of  my scared, withered, and starving body and I nearly fell over. One simply should not be able to go through that and stay sitting. It should over haul you and send you crashing to floor, gasping for air and unable to move.

But somehow I stayed together and lived. And slowly the frozen mask that was my face changed. The tsunami lost its power and I could breath again. My heart slowly pumped blood back through my body. And the color returned to my once stone cold cheeks.

The play in front of me was amazing , vibrant and over saturated with pure joy and laughter. This magic healed me , and for one brief moment I was a whole and untainted person.

I didn't know or remember any pain, I was free. I was alive and me again!  I almost felt like I was dancing and playing along with them on the stage. Vampires , zombies , ghosts , and Frankenstein. They may all be monsters but they were the best friends in the world I could ever ask for. They may be scary , but they are not horrifying.

And while I watched them do their amazing routine, I forgot about H. H wandered off. She likes to do that sometimes , well all of the time. I was so transfixed by the play I forgot about her.

I wandered away from the table and the monster. And couldn't find her. H had D , and D had taken her back to hospital. As I spent my time outside in the cold winter air I realized something else.
I was transformed. This morning I had waken up in a foreign country that had once been my home. And I won't wake up and find myself here for much longer. Melody people call me. How jealous I feel of them.

They have a name for me . They seem to know me , can put me in a neat little niche. But I do not know who I am. I feel like a nobody most of time. Melody used to be this pudgy girl clinging to books and fantasies. Running to the library ever day after school , no real friends but the dragons and witches on the covers of books.

I still like that person. I still feel like that person a little bit. But I am not Melody. I don't feel deserving of Melody. Melody is a gratitude and a regard most high I don't deserve. And even if I did , I am not that person anymore.  I am some one , I just know who that someone is.

And most days I feel invisible. I know I am not. But it is so easy to believe. No one helps , no one sees the pain I am in. The near death of the every day evil that is my life. I must truly be invisible.

Yet invisible with eyes that see and understand everything. Every motion is visible. Every word spoken and unspoken heard. Every touch goes noticed and every movement calculated.

I feel like I have eyes in every corner of the world. And with that preparation , I still can't defend my self against heart break. Maybe no one can all the time. But I just thought I would fall apart. Just wished I would. I saw the other happy souls outside , and I knew I wouldn't be damned forever. The next chapter well be forgiveness and transformation. It just has to be.